"I love you."

Waiting

-Beware, this is a rant-

WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WAIT SO FUCKING LONG. YOU SAID 5:30 SO I GOT HOME AT FREAKING FIVE AND YOU DON'T COME UNTIL SEVEN. SO FUCKING PISSED. ASDFGHJKL;

Dammit I missed an opportunity to talk to you on the phone, which rarely ever happens. I'm such an idiot =(

I'm on my period and I'm emotionally unstable. Please don't do this to me.

Fast & Slow

So there were a couple days where I felt like we were moving too quickly. Like..WAY too quickly. And honestly, I hated it. I didn't want to feel as though all the good things were to happen within a week and then the rest of our time together would be some routine that happened over and over. I wanted to build up the excitement; feel the chemistry for days and days and when we finally gave into each other, it would be even more worth it because it took our will power to wait. I felt like we were just experimenting again, testing each other's limits just to see how far they could be pushed. We're not supposed to develop that way, we're supposed to take it one step at a time and then take a big leap. Not pole vault every stepping stone there possibly was. I'm just very glad that yesterday we were able to talk about this and take things a lot slower. We were supposed to not kiss for a whole month, but just thinking about being around you and not doing anything about it made me want to kiss you more than ever. You always want what you can't have and if I couldn't kiss you for a month, then it made me want to kiss you that very second. If we didn't slow things down, kissing each other would be something we did that seemed obligatory and I would never want that feeling. I feel like yesterday was one of the more special nights we've spent together. We got boba and subway, then we just talked in your car for an hour about our childhood and what we did in the past. It was so rewarding to hear more about you because I don't want whatever we have to be centered around the physicality. Then, we just layed there. It wasn't inappropriate; we were just side by side, but in that moment the simplicity and beauty of it all was a feeling more than I could ask for. I feel safe, cared for, and secure whenever I'm in your arms and I don't ever want that feeling to go away.

I can't stop thinking about the way your eyes twinkled tonight.

I need to keep my priorities in check. I love being with you, but this isn't good for me. You're like a drug. Addicting, yet hazardous.

The Little Things

I love that whatever we have isn't about materialistic things nor is it about being physical with the hugging and kissing all the time. I love that the simple things are the ones that I find the cutest. Such as

-How you smell good cause you know I like when you do
-How you hold my hands even tighter even though they're sweaty
-How you look at me and then act like you weren't when I catch you
-How you text/call me to wake me up from my naps
-How you encourage me and believe in me when it comes to math
-How you always apologize even though it's hardly your fault
-How you respect my decisions and opinions
-How you just hold me and tell me you think I'm beautiful
-How you surprise me at my house and hang out with me for 20 minutes
-How you smile at me and always let me know that you're there for me

I hope we never lose sight of how valuable the little things are. :)

20 minutes was enough. :)

Simplicity

Today was a nice day :) I love just laying in bed with you, our arms around each other, my head rested so fittingly over your beating heart.

It's another one of those, "can I just fall asleep with your arms around me while our hearts furiously beat in synchronization?" moments.

Heart Flip

So I guess today we kind of had our first dispute. It wasn't really that we were mad at each other, it was just a weird and off day for us. I was talking kind of blandly as if I dgaf to you because at the moment I really didn't want to talk all cutesy and I didn't text your first on purpose to see when you would text me. And then I was kind of disappointed when you didn't notice that I was trying to act like a bitch towards you. But it turns out that you did notice; you just didn't want to point it out. After all that happened today, what surprised me the most was that you sent me a 6 page text message. Which is pretty long for a text message. You were basically apologizing and saying it was you, not me and just all of these sweet things. It made my heart open when you told me that you hated knowing that I didn't want to talk to you. It's just uplifting to hear that you want to talk to me and it saddens you that I didn't. I was very satisfied with how quickly and well we got over this speedbump. It just proves to show that our relationship is not that complicated at all, it's just the homework and the people who get in the way of it.
-On a scale from 1-10, how much do you want to kiss me when we're together?
-All the time.
^ That made my heart flip like craaazy.

Something seems different. Maybe it's me or maybe it's you. It's probably me, I find it odd that you haven't pointed it out.

Sometimes I feel like never letting you know any of my thoughts or emotions. Other times I wish I could spill out every single word.

Why is it that every text I get from you makes my heart sink? They're not even horrible; they're all very sweet. The last time I got this feeling was back when you told me you didn't like me. What is this?! Deja Vu?

Jealousy

I don't understand why, but I don't want to talk to you at the moment. You haven't texted me and I haven't texted you but frankly, I don't really care. Are you still mad at me for wanting to go to homecoming? Cause it really was a misunderstanding and a mistake and if you're holding that against me, then wow. I know I messed up your surprise and I'm more than sorry for it, but again, it's not like I knew. I guess you have been talking to me a little more differently. And I guess I understand why. Oh and then I notice that you try these tactics to get me jealous? First, "Tiffany" texts you that she misses you or whatever. Second, you're going to homecoming with Becky. Third, you're going to ask out Ashley your paper editor. Do you do these things to see if I'd get jealous? I hear some people find it cute when girls get jealous because they want their significant other to themselves. But in other scenarios, I hear that it's annoying when girls are jealous and clingy. And that is the LAST thing I want to seem: clingy. I admit, it does make me a tad bit jealous when you talk about other girls like that, but I mean, it's not like I'm going to admit that to you. I still don't think we're quite there yet, sharing all our emotions with each other and whatnot. Not gonna lie though, I do feel a twinge of guilt and jealousy at the moment.

Comfortable

I suppose this will be the first post in a while that I have actually put deep and meaningful thought into. I don't know who's going to find this or who's going to bother to read it and I'm perfectly fine if nobody ever reads it. This is for me. Anyway, I used to be the type of girl who everyone called "good" "innocent" "conservative". Used to? Yea, used to. I suppose my younger age contributed to the immaturity of my thoughts. I had frowned upon almost all things that had to do with being a couple; it just did not appeal to me at all. I didn't understand why people found it so necessary to have a significant other in their life, let alone display it for everyone to see. I was ignorant of those feelings and because of that, I was too stubborn to bother to give it a chance. Freshman year I met someone who helped me change my mind about this topic and gave me some new insight. I was still wary about giving relationships a chance, but my mind was definitely open. I guess when it happened to me, I took it as me liking any other person. And I expected myself to have high hopes which of course happened. And I expected him to say things that would make me discouraged and give up on "love" which of course happened as well. But what I did not expect was for things to be taken farther than that. I feel like a new, different person. It's weird being someone who's open and comfortable with affection since I was one in the past who looked down upon it. I didn't think being in a relationship in high school was a very good idea since it distracted you from school work and it would become more difficult to keep your priorities in check. I still think those things are true, but when you're put in the position, all your doubts go away and none of those negatives really matter anymore. It used to irritate me when people said things like "I wish I could lay in your arms forever". It sounded so exaggerated and stupid to me, but ever since things changed, it completely made sense. It's the feeling where you want someone to hold you so that you're assured that there's someone out there who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. I don't mean to sound cheesy, but once you have that feeling, everything just changes and you begin to notice yourself trying very hard to keep your thoughts together. I'm sure investing so much time into someone isn't going to be good for me in the long run, but I wouldn't trade in the days I spent with him for anything in the world. (Maybe an A in Precal? (; Just kidding.) It's the way being with you is so easy and natural that makes me feel comfortable sharing this feeling of being lost in someone with everyone else in the world.

What have I done?! I ruined everything...

I really don't need to hear this right now

Mistake?

I just showed you my blog. I hope you weren't completely creeped out. Cause I definitely would be! Hahah. It's kind of nice to know that you know how I really feel, but then again I don't know if it was such a great idea since I am absolutely and utterly vulnerable now. Great. Well I just opened up my heart to you by sharing this with you. Whatever happens and whatever you think about this, is up to you. I just really hope it wasn't a mistake...

Future

I know it's crazy and I know it sounds stupid cause I'm only 15, but if we were to ever grow up and marry as like high school sweethearts or something, I could picture it. I think we have really compatible personalities since we're such opposites. You're someone I can see myself being with in the far, distant future and I know that everybody says that even though their relationships fall apart, but you said that you can picture me marrying the person I first fall in love with and now that I think about it, I can picture it too. Maybe we're going through the "honeymoon phase", but I always want to see you. I hope I don't get tired of wanting to see you because that'd be awful. I just know that if I were to have half of a decent future, I'd want you in it no matter what.

I think I can be more than happy laying next to you with your arms around me. :)

You're So Cute

I don't know how, but suddenly you've become this incredibly sweet guy and I absolutely love that. I don't want you to become like TOO nice or anything, but I love this new change I see in you. It's fabulous and so refreshing and it makes me smile and feel flutters in my stomach. Even if it's something small like "bring a jacket because I don't want you to be cold", SO cute. I don't exactly know how this love-o-meter works, but I can see myself falling even more for you. I know, I know. I sound ridiculous and I'm going to end up getting hurt and this is going too fast, but I think I know what I'm doing. I'm still extremely cautious because I know that there's a possibility that you won't feel the same way about me anymore, but while you do feel this way about me, I'm going to cherish it and make it last. I've never really have somebody who wanted to be with me equally as much as I wanted to be with them. And even when you say cutesy, lovey dovey stuff, I don't take it as an awkward thing. I just think it's adorable and I love it. We're not even "officially" together, but if someone asked me if I was falling for you, the answer would be yes in a heartbeat.

That's the thing that sucks about becoming close to people. Sooner or later everyone lets you down.

Overdramatic

All I can think about is all the ways she's better than me and all the reasons why you should like her instead of me since you used to like her before. I don't think it's a good idea to do that, but I'm kind of paranoid and I'm the type of person who thinks that all good things that happen to me are too good to be true and will be ripped away from me sooner or later. I'm really scared and I hope that doesn't happen to me with you. I know I'm being overdramatic and over the top, but I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to receive the news that you still have feelings for her because you obviously don't hate her even though you pretend to because she hurt you. I know, I can't believe I'm still having these thoughts after everything we've been through and after everything we've talked about, but my life has been a chain of disappointments so naturally, this has to be one of them. Maybe it's because I'm on my period or something, but I'm sorry for sounding so stupid and pessimistic. Hopefully I'm wrong and hopefully I won't doubt this so much in the future.

I wish all the pressure and work and being tired could go away so I can just lay in your arms forever

Withdrawals

I seriously cannot stop thinking about it. It has been screwing up my whole entire day because once I begin to become focused on homework for 3 minutes, it pops into my mind again. It happened 24 hours ago yet I miss it and want it so bad again already. Is this what happens when you get it for the first time? Maybe it'll wear off as the days go by. But gosh I honestly can't think of anything I want more right now than you. Just to hold your hand and lean my tired head on your shoulder and feel comfortable and relaxed and have you lean over and kiss my forehead. What is happening to me? I'M HAVING MAJOR WITHDRAWALS.

I think we're doing it wrong. But that's okay because I'd rather do it wrong with you than have it right with anyone else... :)

How am I supposed to focus or concentrate on anything when you're literally all I can think about? The incessant flutter of butterflies isn't helping either...

My Wish Comes True

I woke up this morning with my heart beating extra hard, extra fast. The images keep replaying in my head. Over and over and over again. And everytime they pop into my mind, my stomach does lunges again. 2 and a half hours worth of thoughts, plus 2 hours from the movie. It's insane, really. Who would have thought that someone like me would ever be the type of girl to do that? It just keeps repeating. Goodness, this is such a poor quality post. But I don't care cause my thoughts are so melted and scrambled, there's so much going on, so much to think about. I feel like I'm dreaming, but the nice thing is that it's one hundred percent reality. For the first time in the history of all the past 11:11's, my wish comes true.

Heartbeat

Today was absolutely perfect. I keep thinking about it. I can still picture it, feel it, remember it, everything. I don't know what's gonna happen now, but that's irrelevant at the moment. I can't say much, but oh my goodness. I've never felt so carefree, secure, and relaxed. If I could repeat today over a thousand times, I would. It's like I had a superhuman heartbeat.

This is the part where we say we're in love and the part where we have our first kiss.

Why are you acting so mad right now? I don't like it =/

Just being next to you is enough for me

Hanging Out

I said that I didn't want to hang out with you because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable like how I felt on Tuesday. Quite honestly, I really enjoyed today; It was cutesy, but not over the top and you didn't try anything too sketchy, just putting your arm around me and holding my hand. I think that's my favorite part even though it's kinda gross cause my hands are so disgustingly sweaty all the time =( Oh and you keep throwing around the word "love" which does slightly bother me because I only want you to say it to me if you mean it. I think you're really trying though. Before it was just flirting and all that through text, but this is in person and you keep saying stuff like "Oh I like you" but that's so hard to believe because I fell for it like three times already and I don't want to fall for it again. I liked hanging out with you today though, even if it was only for about an hour, it was with you and thankfully, I didn't feel weird or awkward or uncomfortable. I'm glad you're able to make me feel more at ease around you cause no other guy's been able to do that.

I don't really want to hang out with you today, but I will because I said I would and I want to see if things have changed. Specifically my feelings...

Cloudy

I don't know why, but things seem cloudy and unclear at the moment. I usually push away people who like me. Am I beginning to feel uncomfortable around you because you might be beginning to like me genuinely? I really don't want that to be the case because I actually had hopes that this might possibly work out. It's so odd because over the weekend and Monday I couldn't stop thinking about that almost kiss and all those times we were so close to each other. And suddenly on Tuesday when we were cuddling, I just felt so irritated and I wanted it to stop. Maybe that's because we were around people and I usually don't like an audience when cutesy, flirty stuff happens. I think a reason why it bothers me so much is because that's what people do when they're serious about each other and I don't want to think about being serious or established or anything of the sort. If we're interested in each other, my preference would probably to keep our relationship the same and not go out or become bf/gf. I guess all these thoughts and feelings are because I'm still too young and not mature enough to handle any of this. Love, relationships, and all that stuff still scares the shit out of me. I just don't want to have to deal with it at this age with all this stuff going on. I really hope that my feelings for you don't become cloudy...

One of the reasons why you stop liking somebody is because you start liking somebody else better.

Sometimes I think it's better if we're surrounded by people and other times I wish we were completely alone.

I Want you

to come here and hold me in your arms and tell me that I'll get through this because you know I can. I want you to hold my hand and encourage me and help me. I want you to give me inspiration to do better. Okay honestly, I don't even need those things. I just want you here. I want to have the longest hug in the history of hugs and never let go because I'm so tired and I'd like somebody to lean on.

Flutterflies

This is me like every single hour of every single day. Just thinking about you or us or whatever. It's kind of a satisfying feeling.. I just hope it doesn't distract me too much on what I should focus on. Every time I get glimpses or flashbacks or small images of what happened, I can't help but smile. :)

I kind of sort of want this to work. And then again I'm kind of scared as hell as to how it's gonna turn out. But life is all about risks, right?

Butterflies

So basically, every time you touch me or even look at me, I get crazy butterflies. What is this supposed to mean? I don't know, but I kind of really like the feeling :) Maybe I should stop feeling so uncomfortable when something happens? I don't know, it's the kind of thing where at the moment, pulling away and pushing you away seems like the right thing. But then after when I think about it, I regret leaning away and not just going with it. I think today was cute! I just wish I could remember all the details. I do remember our hug, how it kind of got touchy-feely before I kind of squirmed out of it. And then in the car when our noses were touching...SO close. Surprisingly, you backed away this time. I wonder what would have happened if we both just leaned in a little bit closer. Well that's all I have to say now. ..Butterflies

Almost Kiss

I keep thinking about it...How close we were to each other. How our heads were leaning against each other's and our lips were centimeters away from another. I can't exactly remember all the details, but your hands were either around my back or on my hips. I'm leaning towards the latter. And I can't really remember how fast my heart was beating, but I just remembered thinking that this CAN'T happen. Not right now because I'm still not sure if you'd actually want to kiss me or if you were just joking around again. But you keep bringing it up and I suppose that if you didn't want to kiss me, you wouldn't keep talking about it. Maybe/Hopefully next time if I we're ever in the same position, I won't do the same thing and chicken out. Cause I was actually pretty okay with kissing you, I guess I just pulled away because I was afraid of getting hurt in case it didn't mean anything. But seriously, every time I think about it, I get the picture of how close we were to each other and then my stomach starts getting butterflies (cheeesy..) and then I begin to think about the picture if we DID kiss and that's when my stomach feels like it's just dropped from Tower of Terror. You, Me, and Our "almost kiss"....

Dang, I feel like none of the people I used to be close to at church like me anymore except for maybe my one cousin. The feeling sucks.

This is so Relevant

to my blog name. "I love you"? Okay, really? Did you mean that or are you just messing around like you always do? Because if you meant that, then I'd like to believe you, but there are so many things you've done in the past that make me not care about the things you say anymore because they're usually not true. How do I respond to this message? If I doubt you when you mean it, I might regret it. But if I believe you, I might hurt myself if it was just a joke. I don't know what your deal is, but I've never felt so sure, yet confused at the same time. My thoughts are soo scrambled! If it's true, I just hope I won't be an idiot and push you away like I do to everyone else. "Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them."

You're the cutest when you care :)

Woow, ohhkay... that didn't just make you sound like an ass at all. You act like a bipolar, hormonal teenage girl.

I wish you would talk to me more when we're in large groups with other people. It's not like we don't know each other, so I don't understand the silence between us. It's frustrating sometimes, but I guess it's my fault as much as it's yours.

So it turns out that you weren't too busy to text me; I was just stupid and didn't realize that I never replied. I waited 3 hours too! I feel kinda dumb, desperate, demanding, and disgusted. Not to mention obsessed!

Oh The Joys

I know you're kinda busy and that you don't always have time for me, but I hate the one hour gaps between our texts. Oh and I wanted to go get boba today, but that probably wouldn't have been such a great idea since it's a school night and I still have a shitload of homework to do. But I really wanted to! Curse having such a packed schedule every single day...
I guess I just feel better and more "assured" when I do homework while you're talking to me. It makes me feel as if things aren't that bad and it takes my mind off of the time passing. I assume that you're probably gaming on the computer with your friend right now, so I'll get off. I should finish my math and do all of my AP Euro, which will most likely take me 4 hours altogether...Oh the joys.

I've been thinking... And I've come to the conclusion that I will never ever tell you how I truly feel. Doing so in the past has only turned out badly for me.

You Make Me Smile

Yes, granted, you are so annoying and irritating to talk to sometimes and I do wish that I could figure you out, but I wouldn't ever change you. You do make me feel better and smile and laugh and I don't know if you're always being genuine, but it sounds like you mean it sometimes. And just the fact that you CARE convinces me that it's not hard to overlook your less favorable qualities. I know you're not interested in anyone right now, but I know that I'm important to you in a sense and I'm okay if our friendship stays at that.

I was thinking about him, thinking about me, thinking about us, who we're gonna be. Open my eyes and it was only just a dream

Okay seriously, why are you being such a fucking asshole today? It's getting on my nerves and I don't even feel like talking to you anymore.

I Guess I'm Not Surprised

There I go again, having stupid hopes that maybe one day things will change and that one day maybe things can be different. I really thought they were. The way we were talking to each other and how we acted with each other. I had thought that I knew you better this time around. I guess I do know you. You're still a flirt and you still know exactly what to say to make me believe that you're different. But the fact that you made me think you changed when you really didn't just proves that you're exactly the way you were since the beginning. I mean sure, maybe we know each other better and maybe I do know your ways and you know my limits and how far you can push me, but I thought that because of that we could move on past those things. I guess you just got better at your game and I got better at overanalyzing things. Of course I think it's safe to say that I've learned and matured from everything I've gone through with you, but a part of me is still as stupid and naive as ever. All those hints and signs and cute things you said...who knew that they were just words and nothing more? I mean you've done it with me before, how could I think that this time around you'd mean them? Well like I said, I guess I'm not surprised.

Just the Beginning

Oh how I've missed blogging. This time around though, I won't be writing pages and essays whenever I post. I guess I just wanted a place where I can write long things or short things. I kinda like being vague and providing just one word per post or something like that. I'm hoping that this will be interesting since I'm updating from my phone too. Well it's 4am and I still have to shower, so goodbye til later!