I wish all the pressure and work and being tired could go away so I can just lay in your arms forever

Withdrawals

I seriously cannot stop thinking about it. It has been screwing up my whole entire day because once I begin to become focused on homework for 3 minutes, it pops into my mind again. It happened 24 hours ago yet I miss it and want it so bad again already. Is this what happens when you get it for the first time? Maybe it'll wear off as the days go by. But gosh I honestly can't think of anything I want more right now than you. Just to hold your hand and lean my tired head on your shoulder and feel comfortable and relaxed and have you lean over and kiss my forehead. What is happening to me? I'M HAVING MAJOR WITHDRAWALS.

I think we're doing it wrong. But that's okay because I'd rather do it wrong with you than have it right with anyone else... :)

How am I supposed to focus or concentrate on anything when you're literally all I can think about? The incessant flutter of butterflies isn't helping either...

My Wish Comes True

I woke up this morning with my heart beating extra hard, extra fast. The images keep replaying in my head. Over and over and over again. And everytime they pop into my mind, my stomach does lunges again. 2 and a half hours worth of thoughts, plus 2 hours from the movie. It's insane, really. Who would have thought that someone like me would ever be the type of girl to do that? It just keeps repeating. Goodness, this is such a poor quality post. But I don't care cause my thoughts are so melted and scrambled, there's so much going on, so much to think about. I feel like I'm dreaming, but the nice thing is that it's one hundred percent reality. For the first time in the history of all the past 11:11's, my wish comes true.

Heartbeat

Today was absolutely perfect. I keep thinking about it. I can still picture it, feel it, remember it, everything. I don't know what's gonna happen now, but that's irrelevant at the moment. I can't say much, but oh my goodness. I've never felt so carefree, secure, and relaxed. If I could repeat today over a thousand times, I would. It's like I had a superhuman heartbeat.

This is the part where we say we're in love and the part where we have our first kiss.

Why are you acting so mad right now? I don't like it =/

Just being next to you is enough for me

Hanging Out

I said that I didn't want to hang out with you because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable like how I felt on Tuesday. Quite honestly, I really enjoyed today; It was cutesy, but not over the top and you didn't try anything too sketchy, just putting your arm around me and holding my hand. I think that's my favorite part even though it's kinda gross cause my hands are so disgustingly sweaty all the time =( Oh and you keep throwing around the word "love" which does slightly bother me because I only want you to say it to me if you mean it. I think you're really trying though. Before it was just flirting and all that through text, but this is in person and you keep saying stuff like "Oh I like you" but that's so hard to believe because I fell for it like three times already and I don't want to fall for it again. I liked hanging out with you today though, even if it was only for about an hour, it was with you and thankfully, I didn't feel weird or awkward or uncomfortable. I'm glad you're able to make me feel more at ease around you cause no other guy's been able to do that.

I don't really want to hang out with you today, but I will because I said I would and I want to see if things have changed. Specifically my feelings...

Cloudy

I don't know why, but things seem cloudy and unclear at the moment. I usually push away people who like me. Am I beginning to feel uncomfortable around you because you might be beginning to like me genuinely? I really don't want that to be the case because I actually had hopes that this might possibly work out. It's so odd because over the weekend and Monday I couldn't stop thinking about that almost kiss and all those times we were so close to each other. And suddenly on Tuesday when we were cuddling, I just felt so irritated and I wanted it to stop. Maybe that's because we were around people and I usually don't like an audience when cutesy, flirty stuff happens. I think a reason why it bothers me so much is because that's what people do when they're serious about each other and I don't want to think about being serious or established or anything of the sort. If we're interested in each other, my preference would probably to keep our relationship the same and not go out or become bf/gf. I guess all these thoughts and feelings are because I'm still too young and not mature enough to handle any of this. Love, relationships, and all that stuff still scares the shit out of me. I just don't want to have to deal with it at this age with all this stuff going on. I really hope that my feelings for you don't become cloudy...

One of the reasons why you stop liking somebody is because you start liking somebody else better.

Sometimes I think it's better if we're surrounded by people and other times I wish we were completely alone.

I Want you

to come here and hold me in your arms and tell me that I'll get through this because you know I can. I want you to hold my hand and encourage me and help me. I want you to give me inspiration to do better. Okay honestly, I don't even need those things. I just want you here. I want to have the longest hug in the history of hugs and never let go because I'm so tired and I'd like somebody to lean on.

Flutterflies

This is me like every single hour of every single day. Just thinking about you or us or whatever. It's kind of a satisfying feeling.. I just hope it doesn't distract me too much on what I should focus on. Every time I get glimpses or flashbacks or small images of what happened, I can't help but smile. :)

I kind of sort of want this to work. And then again I'm kind of scared as hell as to how it's gonna turn out. But life is all about risks, right?

Butterflies

So basically, every time you touch me or even look at me, I get crazy butterflies. What is this supposed to mean? I don't know, but I kind of really like the feeling :) Maybe I should stop feeling so uncomfortable when something happens? I don't know, it's the kind of thing where at the moment, pulling away and pushing you away seems like the right thing. But then after when I think about it, I regret leaning away and not just going with it. I think today was cute! I just wish I could remember all the details. I do remember our hug, how it kind of got touchy-feely before I kind of squirmed out of it. And then in the car when our noses were touching...SO close. Surprisingly, you backed away this time. I wonder what would have happened if we both just leaned in a little bit closer. Well that's all I have to say now. ..Butterflies

Almost Kiss

I keep thinking about it...How close we were to each other. How our heads were leaning against each other's and our lips were centimeters away from another. I can't exactly remember all the details, but your hands were either around my back or on my hips. I'm leaning towards the latter. And I can't really remember how fast my heart was beating, but I just remembered thinking that this CAN'T happen. Not right now because I'm still not sure if you'd actually want to kiss me or if you were just joking around again. But you keep bringing it up and I suppose that if you didn't want to kiss me, you wouldn't keep talking about it. Maybe/Hopefully next time if I we're ever in the same position, I won't do the same thing and chicken out. Cause I was actually pretty okay with kissing you, I guess I just pulled away because I was afraid of getting hurt in case it didn't mean anything. But seriously, every time I think about it, I get the picture of how close we were to each other and then my stomach starts getting butterflies (cheeesy..) and then I begin to think about the picture if we DID kiss and that's when my stomach feels like it's just dropped from Tower of Terror. You, Me, and Our "almost kiss"....

Dang, I feel like none of the people I used to be close to at church like me anymore except for maybe my one cousin. The feeling sucks.

This is so Relevant

to my blog name. "I love you"? Okay, really? Did you mean that or are you just messing around like you always do? Because if you meant that, then I'd like to believe you, but there are so many things you've done in the past that make me not care about the things you say anymore because they're usually not true. How do I respond to this message? If I doubt you when you mean it, I might regret it. But if I believe you, I might hurt myself if it was just a joke. I don't know what your deal is, but I've never felt so sure, yet confused at the same time. My thoughts are soo scrambled! If it's true, I just hope I won't be an idiot and push you away like I do to everyone else. "Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them."

You're the cutest when you care :)

Woow, ohhkay... that didn't just make you sound like an ass at all. You act like a bipolar, hormonal teenage girl.

I wish you would talk to me more when we're in large groups with other people. It's not like we don't know each other, so I don't understand the silence between us. It's frustrating sometimes, but I guess it's my fault as much as it's yours.

So it turns out that you weren't too busy to text me; I was just stupid and didn't realize that I never replied. I waited 3 hours too! I feel kinda dumb, desperate, demanding, and disgusted. Not to mention obsessed!

Oh The Joys

I know you're kinda busy and that you don't always have time for me, but I hate the one hour gaps between our texts. Oh and I wanted to go get boba today, but that probably wouldn't have been such a great idea since it's a school night and I still have a shitload of homework to do. But I really wanted to! Curse having such a packed schedule every single day...
I guess I just feel better and more "assured" when I do homework while you're talking to me. It makes me feel as if things aren't that bad and it takes my mind off of the time passing. I assume that you're probably gaming on the computer with your friend right now, so I'll get off. I should finish my math and do all of my AP Euro, which will most likely take me 4 hours altogether...Oh the joys.

I've been thinking... And I've come to the conclusion that I will never ever tell you how I truly feel. Doing so in the past has only turned out badly for me.

You Make Me Smile

Yes, granted, you are so annoying and irritating to talk to sometimes and I do wish that I could figure you out, but I wouldn't ever change you. You do make me feel better and smile and laugh and I don't know if you're always being genuine, but it sounds like you mean it sometimes. And just the fact that you CARE convinces me that it's not hard to overlook your less favorable qualities. I know you're not interested in anyone right now, but I know that I'm important to you in a sense and I'm okay if our friendship stays at that.

I was thinking about him, thinking about me, thinking about us, who we're gonna be. Open my eyes and it was only just a dream

Okay seriously, why are you being such a fucking asshole today? It's getting on my nerves and I don't even feel like talking to you anymore.

I Guess I'm Not Surprised

There I go again, having stupid hopes that maybe one day things will change and that one day maybe things can be different. I really thought they were. The way we were talking to each other and how we acted with each other. I had thought that I knew you better this time around. I guess I do know you. You're still a flirt and you still know exactly what to say to make me believe that you're different. But the fact that you made me think you changed when you really didn't just proves that you're exactly the way you were since the beginning. I mean sure, maybe we know each other better and maybe I do know your ways and you know my limits and how far you can push me, but I thought that because of that we could move on past those things. I guess you just got better at your game and I got better at overanalyzing things. Of course I think it's safe to say that I've learned and matured from everything I've gone through with you, but a part of me is still as stupid and naive as ever. All those hints and signs and cute things you said...who knew that they were just words and nothing more? I mean you've done it with me before, how could I think that this time around you'd mean them? Well like I said, I guess I'm not surprised.

Just the Beginning

Oh how I've missed blogging. This time around though, I won't be writing pages and essays whenever I post. I guess I just wanted a place where I can write long things or short things. I kinda like being vague and providing just one word per post or something like that. I'm hoping that this will be interesting since I'm updating from my phone too. Well it's 4am and I still have to shower, so goodbye til later!