Every Single Word You Say

I don't know if this is TRUE love or if there's still a little bit of infatuation behind my feelings. But you still give me butterflies at least once everyday and things you say make my heart contract and skip a beat and I don't even know how to explain it. I thought that after being in a relationship for a while, my feelings would subside and I wouldn't be so excited as I was before, but I'm still in love with you as ever and I didn't think it was possible, but I'm falling for you more each day with every single word you say.

I don't even know why I'm dating Michael. He's such a faggot and a douchebag and he's mean.

Without knowing, I did something I told myself I would never do again. I fell for someone, became vulnerable, became attached... I gave my heart to you.

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

In love, you don't get to choose. You just fall and end up with someone in front of you who is so wrong or so not your type, yet it feels so incredibly right.

Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer tot he next time you will.

When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change your feelings because it's the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares.

This whole entire day, my mind would bring flashbacks of yesterday and a shiver would go down my spine.

Moving Forward

Honestly, I feel like we move forward too fast. I know we talked about this subject already, but one thing leads to another and I'm scared of what it will all ultimately lead to. I wish we could have slowed down a looot more, but I mean it's not like I can say that I regret anything because regret doesn't do you any good. I really liked today though, actually falling asleep in your arms, laying next to you, staring into each other's eyes. Not having it all centered around physicality was refreshing and comfortable. And then towards the end things took another leap forward and it was pretty scary. I guess it's all about experimenting and being okay around each other no matter what happens. Earlier, I was trying to explain something about you liking me more than you should. It's not that you like me more than I like you, it's just that you're so emotional and sensitive on the inside that it was a little unexpected and I totally thought you didn't like me as much as you do. If that makes sense? I don't know, but I like talking to you. I can say stupid, idiotic things and you'll love me for it. Thank you :)

I Don't Know Why

I decided to type all of this out. I'm the journaling/record-keeping type of person so naturally, I feel compelled to keep conversations that mean something to me and are worth remembering. This one definitely was. I hope no one finds this blog. That would be embarrassing...

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I’m sorry we always have a dilemma about this subject. I don’t want us to have disagreements about hanging out, but I want to do high school girl things at the same time like picking out what to wear for the game and doing each other’s hair and little things like that. I know you’re going to tell me it’s all right and that I should go, but I felt like I needed to say more. And I’m not going to dance with other guys; I wouldn’t do that to you. I understand that we won’t see each other for 2 weeks, but we can always see each other another day cause we make the effort to. But I don’t want to miss another dance or hang out cause those only come around every once in a while. I’m sorry if it still upsets you deep down

What I was thinking about earlier was the dance. Personally I want you to go to the dance, but deep down I know I’m going to get kinda jealous and mad. I know you’re not going to dance with guys, but there’s a possibility that they’ll just go up to you. When I was at the dance I didn’t do anything because it was weird for me. I want you to go but sometimes I just want you for myself, sorry I’m selfish. What I was planning starts when your dance starts.

Okay so be honest, did you plan this because you knew the dance was on the same day?

No I didn’t even hear of the dance until you said it today. I thought of my plans yesterday night when I went home. I wouldn’t do something so selfish.
So we were looking at stars yesterday, but we couldn’t. so I was thinking of taking you to Signal Hill when you get out of school for a picnic, then wait until night time to look at the stars

Wow, I don’t even know what to say. I can’t say no to you.

No, yes you can! Just go to the dance. I’m just surprised that you think so low of me that you think I would plan something to ruin your plans. I’m your boyfriend and you think so low of me. I know I’m not perfect, but come on. Why was that even a possibility? Sorry if I get in the way of everything. To get it off my chest, I was thinking earlier, things change when you’re in a relationship. You start to hang out less with your friends and etc. I was thinking about when you said “I’m my first priority, I do things to make me happy” Well, I do things to make you happy all the time even if I don’t like it, so why can’t you sometimes do the same? Don’t feel like I’m guilt tripping you, I’m not.

I don’t think low of you. I’m sorry what I said was misinterpreted to seem like I do. Since we’re letting everything out, I kinda thought you just didn’t want me to go. I’m thankful that you do all these things to make me happy, but if you don’t want to, then you don’t have to. It’s not going to make me mad if we don’t watch Vampire Diaries because I know you don’t really like that show. And if you don’t want to do something I want to do, just tell me. You should hang out with your friends more too; I don’t want our worlds to just revolve around each others. I want to make you happy, but I want to make my friends happy too. I’m left in such a difficult situation all the time. I don’t know who to pick, but if you noticed, I always end up choosing you

But you don’t always end up choosing me. What are you talking about? Sometimes you choose them. Okay if life is easier without me in the picture, just break up with me. I don’t want you to be torn in two all the time. I’d rather see you happy from afar than see you in misery. So your friends’ happiness is the same as mine? I don’t know but my friends understand that they’re going to see me less and they’re okay with that. I don’t want us to disagree about this anymore. We have been doing it so much lately. I want this to stop. I don’t want to argue and be mad at each other before we go to bed. I’m sorry for being irrational and for planning so far ahead. Even if it kills be inside, I want you to go to the dance.

The truth is I could spend every day of my life with you and be happy. I’m just afraid that if I miss out on the little high school things, I’m going to regret it later on. But don’t think that I’ve ever regretted choosing you, I never have. Why did you even suggest me breaking up with you? Life’s not going to get any easier if I do that. I know you want to make me happy, but arguing is doing just the opposite. You’re not a bad boyfriend; it’s probably a good thing you get jealous like that. And don’t apologize for planning ahead. I’m sorry I thought you did it on purpose. This is our relationship, we need to make each other happy and I don’t want it to kill you inside. I don’t show it all the time, but you don’t realize how much you mean to me.

Why are you trying to make your friends happy? Do things that make you happy. Sorry I’m such a terrible boyfriend, getting jealous and stuff. I want to stop it, but I can’t. I might not show it, but I have never regretted anything I’ve done in my life including anything I did with or for you. I don’t know what to say, but you’re the one for me. You think I’m stupid and naïve, but everything you do makes me smile. You upset me then you kiss my lips then I forgive and can’t remember what you did. You can lighten up my day when everything seems dark. I think it’s good that we’re having little disagreements rather than having stuff pile up and having it all come out at once. I love you Julie. I don’t want us to fight. I’m sorry if you’re tearing up over this. You should sleep; you have to wake up early. I’ll just move the date.

Yea I need to sleep, but I have to finish AP Euro first since I’ve been a little distracted. I don’t want us to fight either; it scares me to know that arguments chip away at our love for each other. At this point, I don’t even care about the dance anymore. The only thing I would regret is not being enough of a teenager. I know we’re mean to be together, I can see it from the way we touch, how we act around each other. You’re my perfectly imperfect half. I’m going to love you forever and that’s a promise.

That last line made me cry. I’m going to love you forever no matter what happens. I’m not going to regret me time with you. It will always be the best experience I have. When I’m around you the feeling I get is so, I can’t even find a word for it, not even love or lovely. It’s a feeling I can’t explain. It feels like harmony.

I forgive you; you know I always will. You’re the only one I’ve ever been in love with and every moment with you feels right. I love you, Michael Le.

Thanks baby for listening to me rant. I freaking love you to death Julie Le. Nguyen*

Lol Julie Le :) Sorry I fell asleep again =/ I was texting while on my bed and it just happened. Good morning babe :) You’re not going to lose me, why do you say that?

I don’t want to keep arguing and lose you in the end. I don’t know what I would do. No one could replace you, a girl like you is impossible to find. A side of me wants to do anything you want, but the other wants to break down and cry. I need to learn and accept that I can’t see you all the time and you need me time.

I like the secondhand serenade quote :) Babe, we’re going to argue, but that’s not going to be nearly enough to break us up. Don’t break down =( There’s no need for tears :)

I love you Julie. I don’t know why but I felt like saying this before getting out of bed and starting my day

Thanks for making my heart flutter. You need to stop being good at that. I love you too :)

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

One Month Date

Yesterday we went on a date for our one month. You came kind of late, but it's okay. First we drove to Maggiano's but the wait was one hour, so we decided to go to Cheesecake Factory. We sat outside and both ordered pasta and what I loved about dinner was that the awkward moments in my opinion were so cute. I won't write all of them out, but you know what I'm talking about. And you looked so adorable too since I'm a sucker for guys in dress shirts & Vneck sweaters. After dinner you took me to the beach and we started walking to the pier. On the walk we talked about the randomest things like dances, the thumb test, partying on the beach, awkward dancers, kissed here and there, and then the pier seemed too far and we were running out of time, so we just turned around and headed back. I loved that walk with you though, it was nice and pretty and relaxed. But the point is, I can always be myself around you and you don't judge me. Even if I can't eat properly or if I jump at seeing shadows or if I have a huge imprint on my leg from sitting on a textured chair. You don't mind these things and you love me anyway. I adore that about you :)

You Are The 1♥

When I met you I never thought we'd come as far as we are now. I once layed in bed thinking about a time I would have to write you a card whether it would be for an anniversary or a special occassion. I was worried that I wouldn't know what to say or that I wouldn't say the right things since I've had weird writer's block.
But I think with you, things are different. I can write endlessly about you. I don't care if I'm fifteen and I don't care if my heart might get broken or if I'm naive. I'm living in the now, I'm living in the moment. You mean so much to me and you've changed me as a person. I wake up every morning knowing that my day begins with you. The first person on my mind, the first text I search for. Why I'm still up at two in the morning writing about you, I don't know.
No one but you has ever made me feel so comfortable around them. You make me feel loved, safe, secure, alive. You taught me respect, patience, forgiveness, and most importantly, love. Not that I didn't already know of those things, but you reminded me how to be good, how to be better. Without a doubt you are the first person I've ever loved. At first, when I said I loved you it was in a way where I meant that I simply cared about you and liked you. I knew there had to be a difference, there had to be something that meant something stronger. And then it clicked, I knew that without any pressure, any force, my feelings for you had taken one step further. I didn't just love you, I was in love with you.
I don't know what it's like to be married, but whenever I'm with you, I imagine it to be just like that. Hours with you seem like minutes and time becomes the worst factor. I don't know if we're going to last as long as ten years in order to get married, but anything with you seems like a possibility. I know we're not just another teenage couple blissfully in love, too clouded by love to think about reality. I've thought alright, and a lot too. I know that things end and nothing lasts forever, but I just have a feeling. I've never been in a relationship before, so maybe the feeling I'm getting is normal and will result in heart break in the end. But maybe, maybe the feeling I have is rare and true and beautiful and what if it means something?
All my life I've told myself to look down on love because it will only hurt you in the end. I grew accustom to having a pessimistic mindset and I had absolutely no faith or hope when it came to me and my pathetic love life. I pushed guys away, every single one of them. Even the ones who I used to be obsessed with and fawned over. The second they liked me back, I was uncomfortable and retreated to being single. But with you, things were different. I can't explain why, but that's exactly why. I can't explain it because that's just how it's meant to be. I think my fuel for liking you might have been because you were so unattainable and you hurt me so many times, yet you kept coming back to talk to me. You were different and there was a caring, sensitive guy underneath the personality that you let on.
Over the summer I told myself that I would like you and then the second I had suspicions you liked me back, I would stop everything, push you away, and move on like I did with every other guy. It never happened. My feelings stayed, I kept talking to you, and things started to change. I was falling for you even though I was too scared to admit it to myself or anyone else. I opened myself up to you and basically gave you everything because I trusted you. What started out being unrequited love turned into mutual feelings. You've made me so happy within the past seven months that I've known you, whether you "broke" my heart over the summer or not, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that we're together and you're here with me now and you make me feel so hopelessly in love that I don't want to face reality anymore. Sometimes I just wonder what life would be like if it were just you and me and no responsibilities. We could do anything we wanted, whenever we wanted and go on endless Rite Aid ice cream and boba runs. It's not just because our horoscope explained us extremely accurately, but because I know that you are someone my life can't exist without anymore. Call it me being naive and young, but something deep down tells me that we're going to last and get married and live forever together because I can't imagine myself possibly being with someone else. And even though people may say that this is too soon and we don't know what we're talking about when we say we love each other, I say everyone is wrong. They're not us, they don't know what we've been through, they don't know what we've felt. Even though we've only been official for about thirty one days, the other two hundred thirty with you have been just as happy and magical.
I can say this with clear and distinct confidence that you are the best thing that's ever been mine. Happy One Month, baby.

Made Up

So today and a little bit of yesterday we kind of had this semi-argument/fight. It was one of the worst things I've ever experienced with you because it didn't make me happy, it didn't make me mad, it just made me feel at a loss for words, which was strange because that never happens. I thought you were going to break up with me and you thought I was going to break up with you. I don't ever want our relationship to reach this level again because it sucked to not have a single clue what I should say. Maybe having this dispute was beneficial for us and maybe it'll build us stronger in the end, I just hope that we'll get through everything together.
I was upset at you earlier today, so I just wanted the hangout with the girls to come faster so I could forget about everything. But then stupid things happened at the hangout and I wanted nothing more than to be in your comforting arms. Then when I saw you, a wave of bitterness washed over me and I didn't want to speak to you very much, but somehow we talked again and we made up and things were kind of back to normal. Except it was a satisfying day because we both got through a small, stupid misunderstanding, which means that we're going to have the strength to do it again if it ever happens. :)
"What? Why would I ever leave you? No, never."

Speechless

Okay so like Jimmy I’m thinking about thinking. I read over our texts and it seems like I said some guilt tripping things. I’ve analyzed what you have said. I wasn’t trying to guilt trip you at all :( and it seems like you really want to hang out with your friends. So tomorrow just hang out with them instead of me. From the way you respond it seems like you think stuff like hanging out with your friends makes me mad but it doesn’t sweetie. I think you think that our relationship is the top priority, IT ISN’T! Remember if anything is bothering you just tell me even if it makes me feel upset. WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER :) To answer your question earlier, I feel like we don’t see each other a lot. The reason why I like to be with you a lot is because every second I’m thinking about you and when you’re not there it’s like a dagger to my heart. You see your friends everyday at school but I only get glimpses of you. What really got me thinking was when Ann said “lol Debbie said is Julie not going to the dance cause Michael won’t let her” I really took that into consideration and what she said really hurt me. I won’t stop you from going to anything you want to go to. I’m personally jealous of your friends because they get to see you and your amazing self everyday. I think they take you for granted. In the beginning the girls didn’t even like you. Jeanette, Debbie, etc thought you were weird and creepy but I defended you. I started to bring you along and then you girls became friends. Now they act like they love you more than I do. I know that it’s hard choosing between me and them, but honestly choose them because I don’t want them saying “she’s always picking Michael” Sorry if it feels like I’m trying to be the number one priority. I know you want a grip of your life with your friends. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I will never bother you ever again because I know you’re feeling inside that I’m taking you away from your friends, but I’m not trying to. Sorry that I’m distracting you from schoolwork, keeping you up when you’re tired and then getting mad when you fall asleep. What makes me mad is not what you do or say but that you keep stuff to yourself. Just let everything off your chest. So tomorrow let’s cancel our plans. Hang out with them because you barely get to see them. I’ll be fine tomorrow; I can always catch up on sleep :) This was a long message, thanks for taking your time to sort through this mess. We from now on will hang out on your terms cause that makes you happy and if it makes you happy it makes me happy. I can get used to it. Again I don’t want you to ever choose between your friends or me. Sorry for the troubles I cause you. Have a wonderful day and good morning Julie :)

Please, stop guilt tripping me. Sometimes I'd like to have a hold on my life with my friends. Of course, I can't tell you this because you're probably going to get mad at me. I love you, but I really hate how our relationship is prioritized almost all the time.

Just You & Me, baby

M: Sorry if I sounded mad before I hung up. I was irritated that you always fall asleep but then I cooled off. I said to myself that everyone has problems and bad days. I understand that you had a long day and you're freaking tired. Especially cause you're on your period. Sorry for being a dick and an insensitive boyfriend. I'm trying to change. Oh I apologize for having so much acne I saw what someone wrong on your three words, thanks for defending me. I'm trying to clear it up by eating healthy stuff. It's been working and I've been sticking to it. Sorry it's taking such along time stupid skin condition that I have. Omg I'm tearing up I'm so gay. Sorry for getting mad at little things, thanks for putting up with me. It doesn't matter if you don't know what you want to be. The thing that matters is that you're going to be with me and I'll do anything to make that happen. Damn long text. Okay good night angel.

J: Baby...It's okay, I understand if you get mad cause I do fall asleep on you all the time and I'm sorry you have to put up with that from me. And you aren't a dick or an insensitive boyfriend at all. Whoever wrote on my three words about you is a dick. Don't even pay attention to that because you're not even close to what they said. And about your acne, I don't even care. I care about who you are on the inside and as cliche as that is, it's true. You have an amazing personality and you are the best and only boyfriend I have and ever will have. I love you, all of you. Every single drop of blood, every molecule, every nerve in your body is all mine and I am in love with everyting. And goodmorning :)

You're Too Good

You make me feel so special all the time. You often put my first, even though I don't ever expect you to. You feed me compliments that I don't ask for or expect either. You accept me with all my flaws, most of all. I'm not the skinniest, smartest, successful girl out there and I have TONS of temper, hormonal, anger, frustrating aspects to my personality. And yet you welcome me into your arms and love me and never judge me for who I am. I've always been scared of relationships because of that. I was always scared that once the boy learned of my bad side as well as my good, he'd like me less and less for who I really was. But you, you don't do that. You think I'm unique and different and that's exactly why you're the one. You noticed all the things about me that I hate, that I am and you viewed them as something special. And I love you for that because I'd do the exact same thing for you.

"Waiting for you right now is not that bad compared to ten years! If I have to wait ten years, a couple minutes is nothing<3 "

"So we're going to defy the laws of the universe" <3

Heartwarming Conversations

J: Nothing just sitting here thinking about how much of a pathetic person I am. And also about how much I hate my sister

M: You're not pathetic, don't let anyone put you down! :) Aww so sorry baby forget about the world and just think about us!

J: But I finally realized again how bad of a person I am. I never listen to my parents, they're always yelling at me, my sister and I hate each other, and I'm never home. I always think about us, that's what the problem is. But it's like I can't stop

M: So it's not like you're doing something extremely bad. You're not drinking and driving or smoking. You're not a bad person. You're an awesome girlfriend :) I love you don't feel so bad

J: Thank you for always knowing what to say, I love you so much. But oh my god your texts keep making me cry

M: Aww sorry :( look on your fb wall :) Hope you're feeling better :)

J: Yea I sawL it, thank you :) <3

M: I hate you I'm a fob :(

J: It's okay I love your pronunciation of words :) go shower!

M: I mess up a lot of words! You're my grrrrfriend :)

J: Hahahah :) I love you, thank you for making me feel better

M: Done with shower. I realized I'm a bad boyfriend :( I don't watch your favorite movies, I'm
not there to hold you when you cry, I don't sing to all your favorite music, I don't do all these things like the guy from A Rocket to the Money :(

J: It's a Rocket to the Moon you dork! And you don't have to do those things to be a good boyfriend. You're already exactly what I need :)

M: Lol I messed up haha fackkkkk I need to be better :)

J: All you have to do is stop liking me and I'll be a good girl again!

M: Well that's going to be hard but if that makes you happy and not cry anymore, I'd gladly do it in a heartbeat

J: STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU. And no, that wouldn't make me happy at all. I go crazy without you

M: What?! Is it something that I'm saying? I'm sorry I won't talk to you again...

J: No don't leave, you're the only one I can turn to

M: Wow biter! Why aren't you sleeping yet?

J: Thinking about my amazing, heart warming boyfriend :)