I'm on my period and I'm emotionally unstable. Please don't do this to me.

Fast & Slow

So there were a couple days where I felt like we were moving too quickly. Like..WAY too quickly. And honestly, I hated it. I didn't want to feel as though all the good things were to happen within a week and then the rest of our time together would be some routine that happened over and over. I wanted to build up the excitement; feel the chemistry for days and days and when we finally gave into each other, it would be even more worth it because it took our will power to wait. I felt like we were just experimenting again, testing each other's limits just to see how far they could be pushed. We're not supposed to develop that way, we're supposed to take it one step at a time and then take a big leap. Not pole vault every stepping stone there possibly was. I'm just very glad that yesterday we were able to talk about this and take things a lot slower. We were supposed to not kiss for a whole month, but just thinking about being around you and not doing anything about it made me want to kiss you more than ever. You always want what you can't have and if I couldn't kiss you for a month, then it made me want to kiss you that very second. If we didn't slow things down, kissing each other would be something we did that seemed obligatory and I would never want that feeling. I feel like yesterday was one of the more special nights we've spent together. We got boba and subway, then we just talked in your car for an hour about our childhood and what we did in the past. It was so rewarding to hear more about you because I don't want whatever we have to be centered around the physicality. Then, we just layed there. It wasn't inappropriate; we were just side by side, but in that moment the simplicity and beauty of it all was a feeling more than I could ask for. I feel safe, cared for, and secure whenever I'm in your arms and I don't ever want that feeling to go away.

I can't stop thinking about the way your eyes twinkled tonight.

I need to keep my priorities in check. I love being with you, but this isn't good for me. You're like a drug. Addicting, yet hazardous.

The Little Things

I love that whatever we have isn't about materialistic things nor is it about being physical with the hugging and kissing all the time. I love that the simple things are the ones that I find the cutest. Such as

-How you smell good cause you know I like when you do
-How you hold my hands even tighter even though they're sweaty
-How you look at me and then act like you weren't when I catch you
-How you text/call me to wake me up from my naps
-How you encourage me and believe in me when it comes to math
-How you always apologize even though it's hardly your fault
-How you respect my decisions and opinions
-How you just hold me and tell me you think I'm beautiful
-How you surprise me at my house and hang out with me for 20 minutes
-How you smile at me and always let me know that you're there for me

I hope we never lose sight of how valuable the little things are. :)

20 minutes was enough. :)

Simplicity

Today was a nice day :) I love just laying in bed with you, our arms around each other, my head rested so fittingly over your beating heart.

It's another one of those, "can I just fall asleep with your arms around me while our hearts furiously beat in synchronization?" moments.

Heart Flip

So I guess today we kind of had our first dispute. It wasn't really that we were mad at each other, it was just a weird and off day for us. I was talking kind of blandly as if I dgaf to you because at the moment I really didn't want to talk all cutesy and I didn't text your first on purpose to see when you would text me. And then I was kind of disappointed when you didn't notice that I was trying to act like a bitch towards you. But it turns out that you did notice; you just didn't want to point it out. After all that happened today, what surprised me the most was that you sent me a 6 page text message. Which is pretty long for a text message. You were basically apologizing and saying it was you, not me and just all of these sweet things. It made my heart open when you told me that you hated knowing that I didn't want to talk to you. It's just uplifting to hear that you want to talk to me and it saddens you that I didn't. I was very satisfied with how quickly and well we got over this speedbump. It just proves to show that our relationship is not that complicated at all, it's just the homework and the people who get in the way of it.
-On a scale from 1-10, how much do you want to kiss me when we're together?
-All the time.
^ That made my heart flip like craaazy.

Something seems different. Maybe it's me or maybe it's you. It's probably me, I find it odd that you haven't pointed it out.

Sometimes I feel like never letting you know any of my thoughts or emotions. Other times I wish I could spill out every single word.

Why is it that every text I get from you makes my heart sink? They're not even horrible; they're all very sweet. The last time I got this feeling was back when you told me you didn't like me. What is this?! Deja Vu?

Jealousy

I don't understand why, but I don't want to talk to you at the moment. You haven't texted me and I haven't texted you but frankly, I don't really care. Are you still mad at me for wanting to go to homecoming? Cause it really was a misunderstanding and a mistake and if you're holding that against me, then wow. I know I messed up your surprise and I'm more than sorry for it, but again, it's not like I knew. I guess you have been talking to me a little more differently. And I guess I understand why. Oh and then I notice that you try these tactics to get me jealous? First, "Tiffany" texts you that she misses you or whatever. Second, you're going to homecoming with Becky. Third, you're going to ask out Ashley your paper editor. Do you do these things to see if I'd get jealous? I hear some people find it cute when girls get jealous because they want their significant other to themselves. But in other scenarios, I hear that it's annoying when girls are jealous and clingy. And that is the LAST thing I want to seem: clingy. I admit, it does make me a tad bit jealous when you talk about other girls like that, but I mean, it's not like I'm going to admit that to you. I still don't think we're quite there yet, sharing all our emotions with each other and whatnot. Not gonna lie though, I do feel a twinge of guilt and jealousy at the moment.

Comfortable

I suppose this will be the first post in a while that I have actually put deep and meaningful thought into. I don't know who's going to find this or who's going to bother to read it and I'm perfectly fine if nobody ever reads it. This is for me. Anyway, I used to be the type of girl who everyone called "good" "innocent" "conservative". Used to? Yea, used to. I suppose my younger age contributed to the immaturity of my thoughts. I had frowned upon almost all things that had to do with being a couple; it just did not appeal to me at all. I didn't understand why people found it so necessary to have a significant other in their life, let alone display it for everyone to see. I was ignorant of those feelings and because of that, I was too stubborn to bother to give it a chance. Freshman year I met someone who helped me change my mind about this topic and gave me some new insight. I was still wary about giving relationships a chance, but my mind was definitely open. I guess when it happened to me, I took it as me liking any other person. And I expected myself to have high hopes which of course happened. And I expected him to say things that would make me discouraged and give up on "love" which of course happened as well. But what I did not expect was for things to be taken farther than that. I feel like a new, different person. It's weird being someone who's open and comfortable with affection since I was one in the past who looked down upon it. I didn't think being in a relationship in high school was a very good idea since it distracted you from school work and it would become more difficult to keep your priorities in check. I still think those things are true, but when you're put in the position, all your doubts go away and none of those negatives really matter anymore. It used to irritate me when people said things like "I wish I could lay in your arms forever". It sounded so exaggerated and stupid to me, but ever since things changed, it completely made sense. It's the feeling where you want someone to hold you so that you're assured that there's someone out there who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. I don't mean to sound cheesy, but once you have that feeling, everything just changes and you begin to notice yourself trying very hard to keep your thoughts together. I'm sure investing so much time into someone isn't going to be good for me in the long run, but I wouldn't trade in the days I spent with him for anything in the world. (Maybe an A in Precal? (; Just kidding.) It's the way being with you is so easy and natural that makes me feel comfortable sharing this feeling of being lost in someone with everyone else in the world.

What have I done?! I ruined everything...

I really don't need to hear this right now

Mistake?

I just showed you my blog. I hope you weren't completely creeped out. Cause I definitely would be! Hahah. It's kind of nice to know that you know how I really feel, but then again I don't know if it was such a great idea since I am absolutely and utterly vulnerable now. Great. Well I just opened up my heart to you by sharing this with you. Whatever happens and whatever you think about this, is up to you. I just really hope it wasn't a mistake...

Future

I know it's crazy and I know it sounds stupid cause I'm only 15, but if we were to ever grow up and marry as like high school sweethearts or something, I could picture it. I think we have really compatible personalities since we're such opposites. You're someone I can see myself being with in the far, distant future and I know that everybody says that even though their relationships fall apart, but you said that you can picture me marrying the person I first fall in love with and now that I think about it, I can picture it too. Maybe we're going through the "honeymoon phase", but I always want to see you. I hope I don't get tired of wanting to see you because that'd be awful. I just know that if I were to have half of a decent future, I'd want you in it no matter what.

I think I can be more than happy laying next to you with your arms around me. :)

You're So Cute

I don't know how, but suddenly you've become this incredibly sweet guy and I absolutely love that. I don't want you to become like TOO nice or anything, but I love this new change I see in you. It's fabulous and so refreshing and it makes me smile and feel flutters in my stomach. Even if it's something small like "bring a jacket because I don't want you to be cold", SO cute. I don't exactly know how this love-o-meter works, but I can see myself falling even more for you. I know, I know. I sound ridiculous and I'm going to end up getting hurt and this is going too fast, but I think I know what I'm doing. I'm still extremely cautious because I know that there's a possibility that you won't feel the same way about me anymore, but while you do feel this way about me, I'm going to cherish it and make it last. I've never really have somebody who wanted to be with me equally as much as I wanted to be with them. And even when you say cutesy, lovey dovey stuff, I don't take it as an awkward thing. I just think it's adorable and I love it. We're not even "officially" together, but if someone asked me if I was falling for you, the answer would be yes in a heartbeat.

That's the thing that sucks about becoming close to people. Sooner or later everyone lets you down.

Overdramatic

All I can think about is all the ways she's better than me and all the reasons why you should like her instead of me since you used to like her before. I don't think it's a good idea to do that, but I'm kind of paranoid and I'm the type of person who thinks that all good things that happen to me are too good to be true and will be ripped away from me sooner or later. I'm really scared and I hope that doesn't happen to me with you. I know I'm being overdramatic and over the top, but I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to receive the news that you still have feelings for her because you obviously don't hate her even though you pretend to because she hurt you. I know, I can't believe I'm still having these thoughts after everything we've been through and after everything we've talked about, but my life has been a chain of disappointments so naturally, this has to be one of them. Maybe it's because I'm on my period or something, but I'm sorry for sounding so stupid and pessimistic. Hopefully I'm wrong and hopefully I won't doubt this so much in the future.